Top G Reasons I Hate Numbers

March 17, 2009 — By Dr. Pete

The Count This one's just for fun, while I finish up some more serious projects. Tired of Top 10 lists? Sure, some people try to hide them with "Top 100" or "Top 7", but why should numbers have all the fun? Here are G reasons why I hate numbers:

A. Numbers Are Sooo 9th Century
What's next, hieroglyphics? All the cool kids are using animated emoticons, or space numbers, or some other thing you aren't cool enough to understand.

B. Count von Count
Remember The Count from Sesame Street? That guy was scary. Anyone that old who laughs like a maniac every time he counts to 3 just isn't right in the head.

C. The Base-10 Conspiracy
For too long, the 10-digit system has enslaved us. Some intrepid programmers tried to fight it in the 70s with binary, but they were punished for their hubris by being locked away in cubicles and forbidden from having girlfriends.

D. Standardized Testing
Remember the SAT, ACT, GRE, MCAT, LSAT, etc., and how that one number determined your entire future? How messed up was that?

E. The Bathroom Scale
What sadist thought that staring at your weight would be a great way to start the day? If I was in charge, we would all have magic mirrors like in Snow White that said things like "Hey, big guy, lookin' good!"

G. Numbers Are to Blame
The stock market is plummeting, your home is worthless, and you lost the Lotto (again). What do these things have in common? Numbers. That's right - numbers are to blame for pretty much every problem you have right now.